August 17th, 2019

Reiss’s Pieces


I have so many little things that I want to share with you, but they’re not big enough to write a column about. So, I’ve decided I’ll give you the little snippets.

First, I want you to know that my cats, at least Yul, is what is known in the family as a “free-range” cat. I’m sure you might be wondering what a “free-range” cat is. Our explanation is a cat who goes outside, looks around a little bit, and travels just far enough so he can still see the house. And you might wonder, what does a free-range cat eat? The answer to that, is free-range mice. I wish I could tell you that my free-range cat will also catch all the mice that spend their lives in our house. But that wouldn’t be true. My free-range cat will ONLY eat free-range mice.

Are there mice in our house? Of course there are. And these mice are fat, happy, and secure in their home. In fact, it is my opinion, that my two cats keep the house mice as their personal pets. I have actually seen mice stroll across my family room floor, and my two cats watch them go. But its worse than that. Yul brings in some of his prey and deposits their little carcasses at the foot of whatever family member is present. However, I don’t think he really eats them, although I’m not sure because he also brings them in still half alive, puts them in the bathtub downstairs, and slowly tortures them to death. And this, my friends, is the difference between a free-range cat, and a house cat.

Just to let you all know, I am proud to say that Vermonters are terrific drivers compared to those in Massachusetts. These crazy drivers not only drive fast, regardless of the speed limit, they never, ever even consider using their directional signals. When these nuts want to make a turn, they make a turn, paying no heed to the driving public. This means that the rest of us on the roads have to be constantly aware of not only the driver in front of us making a turn, but some Mass-hole who is approaching at Mach speed, swerving right in front of you, with absolutely no indication that he was going to do so. I’m always surprised, when you hear on the news, that there has been some awful, fatal car crash, and nobody can figure out why. Well I can figure out why. One of the drivers was definitely from Massachusetts.

So, we Vermonters have to pat ourselves on the back, that most of us use our directional signals. And if we encounter someone who doesn’t, we let them know right then and there that they darn well better do so next time. So drive cautiously, drive safe, and be sure you always use your directional signals.

Vermonters rule!

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