First of all, concerning the title of this column, I’m not sure that you can get or stay healthy. At least, I’m not sure that I can. Still, I’m not as young and handsome as I used to be, well, not as young anyway, and it seems that the goal of maintaining health is an exercise, (pun intended) in taking one step forward and two steps back, for me.
I think I’ve tried everything. There are more diet plans than you can shake a stick at. You should eat only meat and no veggies. You should avoid all meat and only eat veggies. You should avoid all dairy products or eat more dairy products. I think more dairy is right; that’s why I put powdered artificial creamer in my coffee. That should count. It’s the same color as dairy. Anyway, I can’t drink black coffee. Also, how can you eat a supreme pizza without cheese? By the way, if we really ‘are what we eat,’ I’m sticking with spaghetti. Have you ever seen a skinnier food than that?
Several years ago my doctor told me that the first thing to do to avoid high blood pressure is to take the salt shaker off the table. That was good advice and I followed it. Now, whenever I eat a meal I have to go and find the salt shaker because it’s not on the table. I think my doctor wanted me to get that little bit of exercise, you know, playing hide and seek with the salt shaker. What a sneaky guy he is.
That same doctor once came right out and suggested ‘exercise’ to me. For a long time after that, I thought he had said ‘extra fries.’ When I finally figured out what he meant, I did give running a try, but I spilled my coffee.
Honestly, back to the subject of food, I have come to realize that the best all-around (They are vaguely round, like me.) diet food must be potato chips. Think about it. They’re full of important vitamins and minerals. (That salt is a mineral.) They’re boiled in genuine vegetable oil or animal fat, so if you’re a just-meat or just-veggie person, just check the bag. They’re sliced thin for portion control, or you can eat that whole bag so you don’t have to count any calories. Also, they’re already in shape. Round IS a shape. (Like me, as I said.)
For months I was sure that the covid epidemic, through keeping me at home, would likely help me lose weight. For many months my wife and I went to no restaurants. (Driving through the Burger King drive-through is NOT the same as actually going to the restaurant.)
Also, being retired now, I’ve been getting a lot of exercise right here in the house. I can’t tell you how many trips I have made all the way from the living room to the kitchen fridge and that doesn’t even count putting the recliner in its upright position and standing up.
Lastly, in my futile but ongoing efforts to get and stay healthy, about five years ago I bought myself a new bike. I used it often for the first three summers. The past two it has hung in the cellar, collecting dust. I am now determined that this coming summer I’m going to go down there and at least wipe the dust off that poor thing. I’ve learned that bicycles are a lot like all those aforementioned diets. They don’t help much unless you stay on them.
Please don’t judge me too harshly on the content of this column. This stuff is what happens when I’m left unsupervised.