By G. E. Shuman
I would like to say thank you, to whomever took the barbecue grill off my front porch a few nights ago. In doing so, you accomplished several things for me.
Firstly, you have completely restored my faith in the unfailing ability of mankind to do, progressively, ‘stupider and stupider’ things. I have witnessed stupid things before, but what you did was a true masterpiece. Somehow, you felt the need, or at least had the desire, to steal a very used, dirty, greasy, slightly rusty item that wasn’t very expensive, even when it was brand new. You, and probably a partner in the barbecue-grill-stealing crime community, had to lug that greasy, grungy grill down off our front porch, down our long walkway, and further down our flight of crooked granite steps to your awaiting getaway car, truck, or whatever you left the engine running in, in front of our house. That all was just a brilliant scheme. (That last statement was sarcasm, in case you don’t understand things like that.) I hope you didn’t break an ankle before you finished the job. Actually, I don’t really hope that.
Secondly, you helped me get rid of something that, although I enjoyed using, and although it was a birthday present from my wife, was probably not the safest thing in the world. The truth is, shortly after we purchased that grill, three summers ago, it had a safety recall, and I was supposed to take it back to the store. I did not, as I liked the grill. The problem, as stated on the recall, was that the gas could build up in the grill, causing it to explode. Thank you so much, as I no longer have to think about that every time I cook a steak. It is now your problem.
Thirdly, that grill really was dirty. Because of the busy lives most of us lead, we may take better care of some things when they are new, than after they have many miles on them, or, in this case, have had many burgers on them. I know that’s the way it is with me. (If grill snatching is a full time job for you, you know just what I mean about being busy.) It was getting harder and harder to get that grill clean, and I had given up on it ever looking like it did when it was new. Now I don’t ever have to clean it again. Whew!
So, as I began this column saying, Thank you, to whomever relieved me of my gas grill a few nights ago. Grilling season is about over in Vermont anyway, and now I will start next summer with a brand new gas grill. (God is good to me.) I do hope you enjoy my old one. (Just be careful how you light it.)