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November 1st, 2014

Reiss’s Pieces

One day after my 74th birthday, I woke up and started to think about half the people I knew in Waitsfield who had lost tons of weight. Here I was in my 75th year, still grossly overweight, and I started to think about my death and how my children and grandchildren were going to be able to fit me into a coffin. So I decided that I, too, would try the “Ideal Weight Loss Solution Diet” to see if it would work for me. Today, about three weeks after my 75th birthday, I have lost 81 pounds, feel better than I have in years, and now know that my loved ones will be able to carry me to my grave.

So how does old age, now that I’m much thinner, find me? Well, there are good things and bad things. The bad things are that I still have a bad back and have to use a cane, and my teeth are falling out and cracking off like they were cheap porcelain plates. And you wanna talk about loose skin? If I could donate it, I would be a burn victim’s dream.

However, the good things are that I feel better, and I can do things I haven’t been able to do in fifty years. Young people see my cane, open doors, and are more kind to me. My blood sugar is normal for the first time in years. Now I look like a normal old woman who should just lose a few pounds, which I plan on doing. Probably about thirty more.

Was it worth the months I’ve spent carbohydrate-free? You bet your sweet life it was. Did I suffer? Absolutely not. My only problem today is to decide how to buy clothes that aren’t made by Omar the tent maker. I may not be a Playboy bunny, but for an old woman, I don’t look too bad.

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