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October 21st, 2017

Noah *

 

In the Bible, the story of Noah is brief and unembellished.

Noah – a 600-year-old vineyard owner – was the only faultless man in a world full of wicked jerks.

God told him to build an ark. Noah complied. And then God killed everyone on earth except Noah, his family, and two of every animal.

Actually, Noah saved more than two of the animals that godly people liked to sacrifice back then. After the flood, Noah sacrificed a few beasts to the Lord. When God smelled the burning flesh, He was so pleased that He softened His heart about humanity’s sins.

According to scripture, every rainbow is a reminder of God’s covenant: His eternal vow to never get ticked off like that again and murder everyone.

Basically, the story of the flood is all about God. Noah is just a boring old righteous man. The only colorful thing he ever did was get wasted off his own wine one time and pass out naked. (Seriously. That’s Genesis 9:21).

The story of Noah simply is not interesting enough to warrant a 2 1/2 hour movie. And “Noah” proves it.

This is a long, grim movie with no interesting characters, no surprises, and no laughs. There is nothing that could have made “Noah” great.

And that’s proven by the fact that “Noah” was made by a truly great director: Darren Aronofsky. His masterpieces “The Wrestler” and “Black Swan” are brilliant films about obsessed entertainers.

Noah (Russell Crowe) is obsessed, too. But not in an interesting or comprehensible way. When he wakes up from a dream convinced that God has commanded him to build a huge ark, his family is completely cool with it. They help him build it, no questions asked.

When Noah takes his obsession a step further and determines that he must massacre his infant granddaughters, we never really understand where he came up with the idea. We just start hating the lead character of the movie.

If you’re going to turn one of the heroes of the Old Testament into a monster you have to give us a good reason. “Noah” never does.

The worst thing about “Noah” are The Watchers. Noah is aided by a bunch of cartoon rock creatures known as Watchers. They are angels who were cast out of heaven by God and doomed to roam the earth as big scary rocks.

I’m guessing the only reason The Watchers exist is to fight the climatic, “Lord of the Rings”-esque battle scene between Noah’s family and the angry mob that wants to steal the ark.

The only good thing I can say about “Noah” is that it made me want to go home and read the Bible. But that’s it. The movie is garbage.

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